The Onion Satire

-"We are moving quite cautiously and continuing to monitor the situation, because this appears to be a very serious pulled pork sandwich,"

-"There's a chance that Shaq could have gone back into the game, but with a pulled pork sandwich of that magnitude you can't be too careful. I've seen lesser ones knock a guy out for the rest of the season."

-"This is such a shame. A pulled pork sandwich this severe was the last thing Shaq needed at this point in the season,"

-"Shaquille will be in our thoughts and prayers," Cavaliers general manager Danny Ferry told reporters. "As a former player, I know that when you get older it becomes harder and harder to recover from a pulled pork sandwich that severe."

-Later in O'Neal's career, doctors discovered that the 7-foot-1-inch center's ability to shoot free throws was compromised by complications from chronic pulled pork sandwiches, a condition commonly known as "greasy digits."